No matter how the adoption application process and the system behind it might make you feel – you as an adopter are the solution, not the problem. I hope this post helps you both see and start to believe this. There are many people to blame for the situation a child up for adoption is in, but you are certainly not one of them. And it is unhelpful and unkind to make you feel this way. Hopefully this rant will help you see the truth in this.
The causes
Here are just some of the causes behind this unfortunate situation
- Each Adoption Agency is audited periodically by Ofsted (you know, the same Ofstead that cause Teachers to commit suicide after negative audits of schools) and that means that each agency must look squeaky clean. Even if they drop the ball or forget your application along the way, it will never be their fault. Even if something important is not mentioned to you during the application and it delays you by months, the agency will make out that it is your fault.
- Social services staff are measured on their ability to present a nice happy process, especially where things went wrong. Delays will always be your fault on paper. They will always appear blameless. Lack of resources or 15+ years of selfish right-wing governments will never be mentioned.
- The system is old, clunky, runs on out of date tech sold into Government by dodgy IT vendors (then never set up correctly) and is full of red tape. Yes, the forms you receive will likely be MS Word and almost impossible to work with. But that will not be their fault, it will appear yours, but it isn’t.
- Social services are governed by a ‘child centric’ policy, which assumes that that child is innocent of all things. So it’s not the kid’s fault (and really it isn’t). If they act up, if the break things, social services will consider them innocent. Not your fault.
- Parents are considered innocent too. Now, young parents of minimal means and education (and perhaps learning difficulties) can be forgiven for getting into a state of having a child they cannot care for. But the system will consider them completely innocent of all things at all times – in a way will at times feel like they are pointing the finger at you instead. Not your fault.
- There is an unspoken feeling that you probably tried to have children yourself before entering this process (how dare you dream to be parents like everyone else!) and it may feel at times like Social Workers (who undoubtedly will be biological parents themselves) are lording this over you. But this isn’t your fault.
The reality – it just isn’t your fault
So let’s think this through for a moment. Here you are, living your life quite happily and thinking it would be nice to have children. Maybe you have one and can’t have another. Maybe you can’t have kids and want one. Yes, this is amazing and you deserve a medal for considering it.
Yes, the children you adopt will have likely come from a difficult place, else they wouldn’t be taken into care and put up for adoption.
But no, this is just not your fault
- The system is broken, underfinded and on its knees
- The courts are understaffed and taking too long to process adoption orders
- Social services are underfunded and overstretched
- The birth parents have had a tough time and don’t want their kids to go into care
- Children in care have had a tough time and have their own pasts to contend with
And none of this is your fault. You are the solution here, not the problem.
What to do about it
So what can you do when faced with a series of situations in the course of adopting that make you feel like the blame is being pointed at you?
Here are some scenarios you may encounter and how to rationalise them:
| Scenario | Things to remember |
| The birth parent doesn’t turn up to an access session during Foster for Adopt | This is not your fault. You can’t make them be a different person, you can only follow the process and be as open to their engagement as possible. |
| You are shown a video explaining that birth parents and their families have complex and painful pasts. | This is not your fault. A SW once said to me ‘you’ll probably improve the world more by adopting than by going into Politics to change the system’. What you are doing is more than enough. Families that fall on tough times are hard to read about. You’ll perhaps want to help them all. Start with helping their children. This is more than enough for now and is more than most would be doing. |
| After many months of application and conversations with your case worker, something is raised that will delay you. | This is not your fault. No matter how careful you are in the application process, how closely you watch what you share and what you say, you just can’t know what might trigger an alarm or a seek more information. It is a system under pressure, hypervigilant and risk-adverse. The system is literally set up to find worrying aspects about your completely normal and healthy life. Accepting this and calmly working through each delay might be the best bet. |
| You complete eLearning that outlines in detail a long list of scenarios that may occur with an adopted child and in every single case, the correct answer makes it feel like you have to show you are at fault. | This is not your fault. The system is set up to be child-centric and extremely understanding of birth parents. It can’t ignore the difficulties that looked after children have gone through and therefore, by omission, the blame will at times feel levelled at you. This is a mistake. You are doing the most to help and will be ones day after day being the parents they need. So no, though you have to answer eLearning questions to pass it, you don’t have to believe it. |
| In the adoption preparation course, others point to therapeutic parenting books that demonstrate that every situation can be diffused if parents just understand they need to be superhuman punching bags. You are left wondering if anyone is going to mention that sometimes children need disciplining. | This is not your fault. A trend towards child-centred care has at times tended towards child-obsessed. People on the course are on best behaviour, they are being assessed while there, and they will come across as goodie two shoes. In the end, you are all people and will all have good and bad days as parents. You are not a superhuman punching bag and you will find your own ways to set boundaries with your children, just like any parents do. To pretend otherwise is frankly unhelpful. |
| You learn about a child or children, then realise the matching application means they won’t move into their forever home for several more months and won’t even know about you for a while yet. | This is not your fault. You are providing a forever home for a very deserving child who otherwise might remain in the care system until they are turfed out at 18. The delays are the system’s fault, not yours. |
Final thoughts
I hope this rant has helped you to see that the adoption process is geared to educating normal people to become superhuman parents, in order to quietly and subserviently raise adopted children who are difficult through no fault of their own, their birth parents, their families, foster parents, social services or society. And that this is all your fault somehow.
Well I’m here to tell you that all of these people are to blame for the situation to a greater or lesser extent (with the exception of the child themselves). And the only ones who are certainly not to blame, and are in fact the heroes on the white steeds, riding in to save the day, are you.
Though it may feel like the system points at you for not being able to have children and makes you feel like you deserve this subservient lifestyle – you don’t. You are just as important as anyone else alive and you deserve a medal for considering adopting.
You have rights, including the right to be safe, happy and loved and the sooner the process realises that, the sooner the decline in number of prospective adopters will reverse and more children will find forever homes.
