Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⚪⚪
| Likes | Dislikes |
| A brilliant summary of developmental psychology and young brains | Overly academic language and references |
| Incredibly well referenced | I found it clinical and depressing as an prospective adopter |
| Clear introductions to each section | Case studies focus on the unhappy possibilities, ignoring the happy majority |
| An uplifting call to arms in the 3rd section | The long pit of despair the middle of the book induces |
Amazing, but not recommended
I don’t think this often-recommended reading from Social Services should be anywhere near prospective adopters. It is 248 pages and it spells out in great scientific detail all the little ways that things go wrong when a child experiences trauma in-utero and in early childhood. It is fascinating, interesting, but I’d recommend avoiding it unless you have nerves of steel – because the news isn’t good.
Instead, I suggest reading this review and if pressed, reading the first 2 chapters and the 3rd section only – the ‘what can we do about it’ section.
The middle of Why Love Matters is like a long sermon on why children who experience trauma become traumatised and when it got to the in-utero section, I felt like my hopes for our future little ones were dashed against a wall. Until section 3 that is, when Sue Gerhardt mentions that we can actually repair the damage after all. But goodness me, 200 pages to get to the hope felt too long and made for hard going.
‘Good relationships depend on finding a reasonable balance between being able to track your own feelings at the same time as you track other people’s.’
Likes
- The introduction and first 2 chapters are nothing short of brilliant – an incredible summary of modern Psychology. It really helps to understand where Psychologists are coming from, and the lense through which they see emotions and trauma. I had so many aha moments of realisation, see the quotes section below for a sample of them.
- The ideas are well-researched and backed up. This is no lightweight who could be easily palmed off by the establishment, the author is compelling. What she says just makes sense. She’s really done her research and saved many the time in doing so. This is a manifesto for the study of early emotional development.
- The summaries at the start of each section are great. If I could just read those, knowing that she then goes on to back them up thoroughly, I’d be happy and full of a renewed vigour to apply them. She does a great job of explaining how things work, what this means, and leaves you with a lasting certainty that early childhood matters. A lot.
Dislikes
- This book is not written for us. It is an academic book, written for Social Services practitioners. While I am excited that the brilliance of the ideas and connections made are absorbed by Social Workers, Psychologists and biological parents across the nation, it is the opposite of the education and pep talk we need to encourage us to do this one big thing and provide a forever home to a child in need. If the need of such children was not so dire, it would almost be humorous how unsuitable it is for prospective adopters. This book has the potential to put people off unnecessarily, at a time when there is a shortage of forever homes for the UK’s children in care.
- It is clinical and hard going. It makes no attempt to be a balanced view. It is a cold, hard look at trauma and its effects. It takes 200 pages to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. Most won’t make it that far. I began to skim read by page 150 out of sheer desperation for some respite. Like having the causes of trauma carefully explained, along with graphic examples of traumatised children and their woes. While we seek as prospective adopters to understand the causes of trauma, my desire is to focus on what we can do about it rather than drowning in causes for several hours of hard reading.
- The graphic examples of criminals. These suggest more of a connection between trauma and criminality than real life suggests. Yes, most criminals seem to have had traumatic childhoods. But this does not mean all traumatised children are condemned to this fate. Nurture, our nurture as future parents, is far more important than comes across.
- The academic language – why not just spell it out and keep it simple? Who are we trying to impress here? Little-used words are harder to understand
- The references. Every second sentence seems to be referenced. More than half a dozen a page at times! It’s like reading a footnote and frankly, I don’t care about which study is being referenced. If I wanted to look them up, give me a footnote.
- The complex language makes it hard to at times latch on to the big ideas (and there are several). This is vital, because the author makes some absolutely brilliant points – but they are lost in the endless repetition of referenced studies and case examples.
‘It seems to be the process of putting feelings into words that enables the left and right brains to become integrated. When words accurately describe feelings, they can then be blended into a coherent whole.’
Learnings
- Mum’s emotional state is important during pregnancy, as genetic markers pass down feelings and establish stress responses appropriate to the world the baby will be born into
- Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs are very damaging to the foetus, particularly in brain development.
- The first 1,000 days are just as important than in-utero, if not more so and the harms done prior to birth can be completely corrected by loving, attentive parenting.
- Sleep training is an incredibly bad idea from the perspective of studies on brain and emotional development.
- Calm, attentive parents are the single most important thing in the first 3 years of life and studies show that it is less likely this will be found in daycare.
- Emotional and social support for parents of young children the most effective social investment a society can make
Quotes
- ‘When parents struggle to meet the needs of their babies, because they are depressed, lonely, poorly equipped to regulate themselves…then the delicate processes of early development can become skewed and the same difficulties in regulating arousal can be passed on.’
- ‘The harm done to one generation need not be transmitted to the next: a damaged child need not inevitably become a damaged and damaging parent’
- ‘…it is no good trying to “discipline” a baby or to expect a baby to control its behaviour, since the brain capacity to do so does not yet exist.’
- ‘Babies come into the world with a need for social interaction to help develop and organise their brains. If they don’t get enough empathetic, attuned attention…then important parts of their brains simply will not develop as well.’
- ‘Roughly speaking, the first 1,000 days is uniquely significant, because this is when the nervous system itself is being established and shaped by experience. During this period, how parents behave has as much influence on their child’s emotional make-up as his or her genetic inheritance.’
- ‘…what seems to be most crucial for the baby is the extent to which the parent or caregiver is emotionally available and present for him, to notice his signals and to regulate his states.’
- ‘Parents are really needed to be a sort of emotion coach.’
- ‘Parents bring the baby into this more sophisticated emotional world by identifying feelings and labelling them clearly.’
- ‘Good relationships depend on finding a reasonable balance between being able to track your own feelings at the same time as you track other people’s.’
- ‘When we are babies, our brains are socially programmed by the older members of our community, so that we adapt to the particular family and social group we must live among.’
- ‘It seems to be the process of putting feelings into words that enables the left and right brains to become integrated. When words accurately describe feelings, they can then be blended into a coherent whole.’
- ‘The X factor, the mystery tonic that enables babies to flourish as soon as they get it, is responsiveness.’
Recommendation
Read a book summary to get the gist, or if pressed by your Social Worker, then read chapters 1 and 2, then the third section from page 200 onwards. You’ll get an insight into early brain development and end with empowering ideas on what can be done in early childhood to help heal an adopted child.
This is a fascinating read for those with an iron constitution, but isn’t recommended for the rest of us.
