Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⚪
| Likes | Dislikes |
| Heart-warming and honest | 20 years old and based in Canada |
| Tackles Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) well | At times overly religious/pious |
| An example of adopting 2 children | Less adoption application process and more life before and life as a parent. |
| An insight into the Canadian system | |
| A look at adoption into Jewish families |
A heart-warming read for all adopters
Linda Rosenbaum has poured her heart out in this book and I’m so grateful that she did. With each adoption memoir read, I wonder if I’ve reached saturation, if there is anything more to learn. And with each subsequent book, this one being no exception, I learn even more.
It is fascinating to read all about adoption from a child of the 60s, from someone who protested the Vietnam war and then moved from the USA to Canada. To read about how the adoption process was for them at the time (and to feel grateful for our current UK system which makes a nice change). To learn how far the medical world has come with regards in treatment and support for families of those suffering from mental illness and learning difficulties. To learn about foetal alcohol syndrome.
This is a great book and if you can overlook the heavy reference to religious concepts and ceremonies (which are in themselves interesting), you’ll get a lot out of it both during application and as an adopting parent.
Likes
- Heart warming and honest. The more an author pours their heart out, the more real it all feels to me. And Linda Rosenbaum really pours it out for us. This is a warts and all account of what happened, how she felt, and what she did about it at each stage. The net effect is so relatable, and I took a lot of comfort from her words.
- Tackles foetal alcohol syndrome (FAS). This is a big one. We all hear about it in the application process. There are warnings at almost every step. We know Foster For Adoption (FFA) babies may be too young to detect its effects, and that many children in care will have been touched by it to a degree. Yet we don’t really know what that means. What is parenting them like, day to day? What do they typically struggle with? How can parents best support them? And here friends, you’ll get a detailed example of what FAS is, how it can present and what to do about it. This alone makes the book a godsend.
- An example of adopting 2 children (and how different they can both be). Many of us consider adopting siblings, or adopting one now and one in a few years. We wonder what that might be like. This book gives a great example of the second ‘one now, one later’ approach and the dynamics that can develop. It also gives plenty of examples of how Linda and her husband tried to best support the two sets of needs.
- An insight into the Canadian system. It is always interesting to see how adoption works in other countries, and in this case, it is Canada. Though now over 20 years ago, their adoption included many of the challenges our current UK system does. And many that were much harder, which made me feel better about our lot.
- A look at adoption into Jewish families. I’ve found Judaism to be both taboo and over-indexed in the contexts of Hollywood and Palestine. It is so interesting to read about adoption into a Jewish family, their traditions and the milestones in their children’s lives. I particularly enjoyed learning about how their family applied the power of ceremony in other areas of their lives (e.g. family milestones, the death of a pet). Adopting into a religious community clearly brings both a lot of support and some unique challenges depending on the religion.
Dislikes
- 20 years old and based in Canada. This isn’t the most recent book you can find on adoption and though it is surprisingly still relevant in the main, some parts are now dated.
- At times overly religious/pious. Though I found the Jewishness interesting, it did get in the way of what I came to learn about – the process of adopting and parenting two adopted siblings, one with a learning difficulty.
- Less adoption application process and more life before and life as a parent. The memoir begins in her teens and takes quite a chunk of the book to get to the point of adoption. It’s interesting, but again is really just the wrapper around the core content for me – the adoption itself.
- In pages, the journey to adoption part is longer than it might have needed to be, meaning some parenting aspects are shorter. Therefore the more recent life experiences are lightly touched on, meaning this book is more about parenting adopted children up until about the age of 16.
‘Sometimes people or things come into our lives unexpectedly, whether through birth, adoption or other fortunes of fate. It then becomes our job to love them.’
Learnings
- Adoption has come a long way, as has the medical world, in the last 40 or so years. We may have it hard in many ways, but really, it probably was harder back then.
- Childhood trauma is not well understood by mainstream institutions, was not then, is not now. But things are getting better.
- I used to think that labelling children (and adults) with medical conditions was unhelpful. This book and others have helped me realise that the diagnosis is the gateway families must pass through in order to gain access to support for their children’s needs. And that makes it worth it. That back when ‘clinically insane’ or ‘just a stage’ were the diagnoses, parents were left to fend for themselves. That ADHD and neurodiversity, along with FAS and other conditions are better known than not, so support can be obtained.
- That the UK has a pretty good system, and that Canada also has an NHS of sorts.
- The adopting one now and one later is absolutely possible, that the two children will grow up as siblings, and that it can work out.
- That one of the biggest lessons Linda learned was to come to accept her children and their needs/potential just as they are, not as she might have wanted them to be.
Quotes
- ‘If Michael was to get what he needed in his life, it would be up to Robin and me to get it for him. This was likely just the beginning.’
- ‘In the sixties, I was fighting to other people’s sons – the demonstrations, picketing, sit-ins, marches. We were all desperately trying to stop the war in Vietnam and bring our troops home to safety. Well, look how times change. “I don’t have to fight for other people’s sons anymore”, I continued, “I have to fight for my own”.’
- ‘Sometimes people or things come into our lives unexpectedly, whether through birth, adoption or other fortunes of fate. It then becomes our job to love them.’
- ‘Most people automatically compared his issues to those of their own kids…At first I felt hurt, angry and lonely. Nobody’s listening! It was hard to open up and too often when I did, it was a mistake. I never wanted sympathy, If I ever said anything, it was because I felt the need to talk or to seek advice.’
- ‘I never knew if people were trying to be comforting and helpful by always putting on positive spins, but I think a few people simply did lack empathy. I quickly learned to become careful about who it was I spoke to about Michael. I also learned to protect myself from judgement…I did however have limits as to how long I could hear other people, more distant from me, talk about their children’s accomplishments, especially if they didn’t know how lucky they were or took their blessings for granted.’
- ‘I guess I learned “how to do it” like anyone else would. I muddled through, did my best, pushed a little more than most people have to, drew upon everyone and everything I could to help me along, kept talking, had a few break-downs, took meds, crossed my fingers, prayed, hoped for good luck, cried, laughed, read mysteries, watched romantic comedies and pushed on. What exactly were the options?’
Recommendation
A great book for anyone looking to adopt, friends and family and adoptive parents alike. Linda’s style is disarming, honest and her humour helps make a story with plenty of turmoil and heartache easy to read. Her story has so many elements and likely each of us will have experienced one or two of them ourselves. Well worth a read.
