Adoption application do’s and don’ts

This post is designed to share some of the learnings we gathered along the way. And some things many have suggested to do, and even more importantly – to not do when going through it. I hope the list is helpful. Applying to adopt can feel daunting at first (and while doing it). The process is not clearly explained, people have different opinions on it and it changes every Government or so. The regions may be slightly different, but there are themes.

Let’s get started.

The big learnings

First, here is a list of some of the big realisations we had during the application process and now have, looking back on it.

1. The system works for the children, not for you. This took me some time to work out. I assumed Social Services as a public service, would also work for us as prospective adopters and taxpayers. Not so. Every risk-avoiding process, invasive question you are asked and hoop you have to jump through is there for one reason – to minimise the chance of making a mistake and giving a child into unsuitable care, resulting in harm to the child, a failed adoption or even worse, public admission of failure. They are measured on number of placements, placement success rate and not a lot else. They are not measured on prospective adopter satisfaction, and so it is a distant last in priorities. This is why the system is so flawed, slow, frustrating and unkind. Once we realised this, we reset our expectations and actually were pleased that the system cared so much for our children. We could see better what would happen, be asked and how to respond to satisfy the questions put to us.
2. This is a sales process. Because the system works for the children, this is a selling situation, You are selling your services as a parent and Social Services are buying it (on behalf of children in their care). It may feel at times like there is a shortage of people looking to adopt (there is) and that you can relax and let your guard down. Don’t. Even though there is a shortage of prospective adopters, the system is set up to avoid risk. Don’t give them fuel for their fires. Be nice and shiny and new – they won’t dig beyond it and will take you are you are – a great potential parent. Make it easy for them to assess you as a well-rounded prospective parent with lots to offer the children in their care.
3. The system is both hypervigilant and fears the unknown. Ironically, many of the characteristics shared by children who have suffered trauma. Perhaps then the way to meet this system is therapeutic – being understanding of the past trauma and pain in the system, the frustration and lack of funding, and the lack of people and time available to process your application. This thought helped us remain calm and positive when certain things dragged on more than they should have.
4. Becoming a parent is worth waiting for. This is the biggest learning and I’m so happy to be able to share it, now looking back. All the twists and turns along the way fade away once you clap eyes on your little one(s) and take them home. Then you are just a parent. Just, finally, a parent.
5. You will be a great parent. How do I know this? Because you are going to be better prepared than most, and most people do alright as parents. However, those same people are typically not ready to become parents when their biological children arrive. At most they’ve had 9 months to plan, whereas you have likely had 3+ years. They might read a book and talk to their mum or their friends about what it will be like, whereas you will have extensive training and preparation. Thousands of people have got through this before you, and you can too.

The system works for the child, not for you and this means it is a selling situation – you are selling your services as a prospective parent and Social Services are buying. Your goal is to satisfy them that you make the grade, whatever they decide it is.

Things to do

Here is just a short list of things that you might like to think about focusing on during the process.

• Remember – you are a hero. This is maybe the most giving, socially responsible, loving and downright amazing thing you could do in your life. As a foster parent put it to our adoption preparation group: ‘what you are doing is amazing. Thank you for being amazing’. Just keep this in your heart and pat yourself on the back at every turn. Seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart for even considering to give a child a future. This is big. 💌
• Think about the child and what is best for them. It is so important to keep them front and centre in your mind throughout the process. They are the ONLY thing that matters here, not how long the process takes, not the invasive and embarrassing questions they might ask, or any of the rest of it. You becoming a parent and them getting a forever home and a great life – that is all. that. matters.
• Put your best foot forward, again and again. This is a job interview, maybe the most important one in your lives. Show you are keen to adopt, give enough background to show that you have lived a life too, that you h
• Show that you have lived a life too. They want to know that you have experienced loss, hardship and adversity in your life. And most of us have, so include it and don’t be embarrassed about it. They want to know how you then overcame it and recovered, so include that too. You want to look your best, but be seen as someone who can empathise with a child who has experienced loss and perhaps trauma.
• Volunteer. Both of you, during stage 1, no matter what. It’s just easier. Ask for a referral letter from the agency and start cold-calling and emailing local daycare centres and Scouts/Girl guides for an hour a week for 6 weeks. It’s one of the best things we did and is not required but seems to be asked for late in the piece and cause in some cases months of delays while it is set up and completed. Keep a volunteer diary of what happened that day and what you learned. And give it to the adoption agency afterwards. It will help you learn and will show them you are sincere. 😄
• Tune in to heart-warming adoption-related content. Books the most, movies and podcasts if you prefer. You’ll soon notice that adoption comes up in shows you watch or books you read a lot more than you previously realised. Notice that, seek some of these out and start with those that are heartwarming. Read about people who grew up in care and made it in the world, watch shows where a character might be adopted but have a happy ending. You need to look after yourself and there is plenty of time for more serious stories later – in the training and reading list they give you in stage 2.
• Find people who have done it before. Even more than any other new thing in life, here you will massively benefit from asking questions of those who have been there and done that. Ask around your family and friends for people who have been adopted, have adopted or work at an Adoption Agency. Reach out and ask them for a chat, then pepper them with questions and worries. This is where you can be totally honest about your very human hopes and fears. This is the only place to be totally honest and it is important you have the outlet and the insights they will give you.
• Set up a prospective adopters WhatsApp group with your fellow adoption preparation course attendees and use it to ask questions and support each other.
• Tell your friends, family and colleagues about it. There is a lot of shame involved in not being able to have children. I know, because I’ve been there. A great way to move past this is to just share a little bit here and there with people you like and trust. Just that you are thinking about adopting will be enough in most cases for people to shower you with good wishes, tell you how awesome you are, and even offer to connect you to their sister or friend who adopted. This is how we sourced a lot of advice and friends. A lot of their advice features on these pages.

Things to avoid

Here is a list of things you might like to be aware of and to minimise during the process.

• Don’t believe everything you are told. Your friendly Social Services take a tough love approach to educating prospective adopters, partly to flush out those who are determined. The adoption application process therefore drowns you in all the things that could go wrong or be difficult. This comes from the assumption that if they don’t share the full story, people might back out of adoptions. We know this has gone too far because the number of prospective adopters is down about 50% on several years ago, while number of children waiting in care continues to grow. Clearly a readjustment is needed. And how does this effect you? Take a step back, get some perspective and remember – no-one on earth has all the health challenges known – so it is unlikely your future children will. Yes, trauma leaves scars of all natures and yes they may have elevated support needs compared to a biological child. But there are plenty biological children with far more needs. The odds are, it will probably not be as bad as they make out during the application process.
• Don’t be too honest about:
  • Your finances – treat them like the bank when going for a mortgage. Show the basics correctly (amount you earn, amount of mortgage) but ensure that the sheet shows that you have enough left over each month now and after adoption when one parent is not working. The goal is to show that you realise adoption will lead to increase in costs and decrease in income from you taking time off – but you’ll still have plenty of buffer.
  • Plans to renovate or move – just don’t mention either. I know of cases where an extension was done during stage 2, or major building work during stage 1, and where some people purchased and moved while in stage 1. If you do mention either, they will force you to do the work or buy and move in and settle, before continuing. Given the process is going to take 1-3 years, I’d start the process, buy a house and move (but only if we wanted to and could afford it), then tell Social Services about it when it comes up. The same goes for doing that renovation – don’t mention it, just do it, then casually mention it. They don’t worry about what they don’t know, and ultimately it seems reasonable to improve your home situation a bit to prepare for a family.
  • Your natural worries and uncertainties. How ridiculous to say this, but this is a popularity contest, and the judges might get raked over the coals if they put someone forward who shouldn’t have been. So don’t give them any reason to doubt you, even though you will be feeling doubt if you have a beating heart. Just show interest and give yourself the chance to decide in due course.
  • How hard you tried to have kids yourselves first. Yes I know, most of us did try to get pregnant naturally or via IVF, but don’t go on about it. List it, that it was difficult, and how you sought counselling and did yoga to get over it. They need to know that you are over it. Even though you probably aren’t, and in the case of a miscarriage shouldn’t be ever expected to be. This stuff is extremely hard, but just remember – it’s a job interview and they have to take seriously any red flags you raise.
  • How many partners you each lived with over the years. Believe it or not, every single partner you lived with will be contacted for a reference. Awkward much? Yes. So just give them 1 or 2 each when doing the life journey forms. You don’t need to mention living with the others.
  • Your medical situation. When you go to your local GP, explain what you are doing this for and they will support you in passing the medical. Of course they will, they know you and respect what you are doing. Don’t fill the form with tests and worries, or you will have delays. Months of delays. People get declined for silly health-related things we know many biological parents have. The system isn’t practical about health issues, it feels compelled to control out any risks that are discovered.
• You don’t need a room per child. ‘You’ll need a room per child if you want to be considered for siblings’ was the advice a few years back, but is no longer a thing. You do not need a bedroom per child. Most sibling groups want to continue to share a room anyway it seems, so you’ll have plenty of time to think about that in future. Move house if you want to, but don’t stretch to be more attractive on paper. It just isn’t necessary.
• Don’t shoot the messenger. Though you might get annoyed and frustrated, don’t complain to the the people who run it. Be sweet and helpful and organised and persistent (’are we nearly there yet?’ is great), but never mention thinking about pulling out. Never attack the messenger -(and that’s all your Case worker or Social worker are). It’s OK to push for next steps and to follow up, but just like you would think twice about hiring someone who complained about their past employer or how long it took you to book the interview in, just turn up and show willing at each stage.

Remember – you are a hero for even considering adoption. This is maybe the most giving, socially responsible, loving and downright amazing thing you could do with your life. Give yourself a hug of thanks, from all of us. 😊

Conclusion:

This is a process and it happens to be one that involves a government department. So don’t expect it to be rapid or organised or logical. Expect to need to look your best, learn from others around you and you will get through it.

And above all else, remember that you are the hero of this story – Adopting is an amazing gift to a child and the world around them. Thank you for even considering it and good luck!!!